(Kindergarten) Vivian, (1st) Jenny, (2nd) Joann, (3rd-4th) These were awkward transition periods for me, I think I became most fascinatedby boys and crushes at this age. Also I had a friend who I just accepted subconsciously as my best friend, but always conned me out of my lunch money, (5th) Emily, (6th) Joyce, (7th) Whitney, (8th) Lisa, (9th) Nicole, (10th) Jessica, (11th) Joanne, (12th) Nicole.
*FYI: A majority of these were literally me asking friends, "We hang out everyday, and we laugh together all the time! Let's be best friends! Oh you already have one? Okay that's cool." I'll just go over here now, under the staircase of the auditorium, and cry my eyes out. Others were just expectations based on history and time but never came to fruition, also people I thought were cool at the time but were just shitty friends (if you invite someone to the movies with you and your friends, you save them a seat; You don't suggest they sit a row behind everyone by yourself, while you cry silently to yourself in the dark.)
I'll just go over here now, under the staircase of the auditorium, and cry my eyes out.
Having a best friend, I thought it was something you do and it would happen naturally as, breathing. I thought everyone had to have a best friend, and they did in my world, but it just, wasn't me. I also treated this proposal really seriously from grade K-7. Pacing back and forth, thinking about what words to say. Wondering...WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE ME??! Am I a bitch? AM I UGLY? Am I too different to be liked?
I'll tell you what, my only true best friends throughout my childhood was pizza, ddr, ragnarok, books, and music, AND the occasional stray cat or dog for a few moments. Animals are fucking great.
I blamed myself, and then I tried so hard be whoever they wanted me to be: I'd cut my wrists for friends, I'd worship goddesses for friends, I'd worship one god to belong, I'd let people walk all over me to feel accepted.
And when you keep trying to be something else, you eventually become nothing at all. And when you forget who you used to be you start hating yourself so much, whatever piece of nothing you are at that moment. And when you hate yourself you pick up a lot of bad habits...Oooo, I think I just thought of another future post.
Something I wish I could teach myself when I was young, not just tell myself, and I wish that they taught in school. Be happy, love yourself, find what drives you, and it's okay to fail because it will get better; you will get better. DO YOU. No one wants to get on your climb a tree and look at the sky while eating a can of cheese whizz adventure? More trees, skies, and cheese for you...and doesn't that sound awesome? Being by yourself is okay. Live, learn, and repeat.